guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
