I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
