:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
