I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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