when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
