Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
