As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
