im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
