I like my sex mixed with concussions.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Randomize
