he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
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