I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
