someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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