mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
