So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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