found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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