i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
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