In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
