She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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