Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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