I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I want to make a zoo with you.
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
