it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
