she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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