I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
