we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
