Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
