Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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