They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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