i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
