she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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