She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
He called his prostate his "boner button".
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
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