life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
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