I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
