GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
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