So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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