This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
