Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
