I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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