I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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