He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
i black out too much to be "responsible"
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
jump out the window naked night went bad
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
