I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
