Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
