I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
