Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
