shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
