Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
