she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
