I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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