She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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