Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
