I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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