That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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