I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
