I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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